Do not lie

I studied for a very long time. There were still gymnasiums back then. And teachers then put marks in the diary for each lesson asked. They gave any score - from five to one inclusive.
And I was very small when I entered the gymnasium, the preparatory class. I was only seven years old.
And I still didn’t know anything about what happens in gymnasiums. And for the first three months I literally walked around in a fog.
And then one day the teacher told us to memorize a poem:
The moon shines merrily over the village,
White snow sparkles with blue light...
But I didn’t memorize this poem. I didn't hear what the teacher said. I didn’t hear because the boys who were sitting behind either slapped me on the back of the head with a book, then smeared ink on my ear, then pulled my hair and, when I jumped up in surprise, they placed a pencil or insert under me. And for this reason, I sat in class, frightened and even stunned, and all the time I listened to what else the boys sitting behind me were planning against me.
And the next day, as luck would have it, the teacher called me and ordered me to recite the assigned poem by heart.
And I not only didn’t know him, but I didn’t even suspect that there were such poems in the world. But out of timidity, I did not dare to tell the teacher that I did not know these verses. And completely stunned, he stood at his desk, not saying a word.
But then the boys began to suggest these poems to me. And thanks to this, I began to babble what they whispered to me.
And at this time I had a chronic runny nose, and I couldn’t hear well in one ear and therefore had difficulty understanding what they were telling me.
I somehow managed to pronounce the first lines. But when it came to the phrase: “The cross under the clouds burns like a candle,” I said: “The crackling sound under the boots hurts like a candle.”
Here there was laughter among the students. And the teacher laughed too. He said:
- Come on, give me your diary here! I'll put a unit there for you.
And I cried, because it was my first unit and I didn’t yet know what happened.
After class, my sister Lelya came to pick me up to go home together.
On the way, I took the diary out of my backpack, unfolded it to the page where the unit was written, and said to Lele:
- Lelya, look, what is this? The teacher gave me this for the poem “The moon shines merrily over the village.”
Lelya looked and laughed. She said:
- Minka, this is bad! It was your teacher who gave you a bad grade in Russian. This is so bad that I doubt that dad will give you a photographic device for your name day, which will be in two weeks.
I said:
- What should we do?
Lelya said:
- One of our students took and glued two pages in her diary, where she had a unit. Her dad drooled on his fingers, but couldn’t peel it off and never saw what was there.
I said:
- Lelya, it’s not good to deceive your parents!
Lelya laughed and went home. And in a sad mood I went into the city garden, sat down on a bench there and, unfolding the diary, looked with horror at the unit.
I sat in the garden for a long time. Then I went home. But when I approached the house, I suddenly remembered that I had left my diary on a bench in the garden. I ran back. But in the garden on the bench there was no longer my diary. At first I was scared, and then I was glad that now I no longer have the diary with this terrible unit with me.
I came home and told my father that I had lost my diary. And Lelya laughed and winked at me when she heard these words of mine.
The next day, the teacher, having learned that I had lost the diary, gave me a new one.
I opened this new diary with the hope that this time there was nothing bad there, but there again there was a one against the Russian language, even more bold than before.
And then I felt so frustrated and so angry that I threw this diary behind the bookcase that stood in our classroom.
Two days later, the teacher, having learned that I did not have this diary, filled out a new one. And, in addition to a one in the Russian language, he gave me a two in behavior. And he told my father to definitely look at my diary.
When I met Lelya after class, she told me:
- It won't be a lie if we temporarily seal the page. And a week after your name day, when you receive the camera, we will peel it off and show dad what was there.
I really wanted to get a photographic camera, and Lelya and I taped up the corners of the ill-fated page of the diary.
In the evening dad said:
- Come on, show me your diary! Interesting to know if you picked up any units?
Dad began to look at the diary, but did not see anything bad there, because the page was taped over.
And when dad was looking at my diary, suddenly someone rang on the stairs.
Some woman came and said:
- The other day I was walking in the city garden and there on a bench I found a diary. I recognized the address from his last name and brought it to you so that you could tell me if your son had lost this diary.
Dad looked at the diary and, seeing one there, understood everything.
He didn't yell at me. He just said quietly:
- People who lie and deceive are funny and comical, because sooner or later their lies will always be revealed. And there was never a case in the world where any of the lies remained unknown.
I, red as a lobster, stood in front of dad, and I was ashamed of his quiet words.
I said:
- Here's what: I threw another one of my, the third, diary with a unit behind a bookcase at school.
Instead of getting even more angry with me, dad smiled and beamed. He grabbed me in his arms and started kissing me.
He said:
“The fact that you admitted this made me extremely happy.” You confessed something that could have remained unknown for a long time. And this gives me hope that you won’t lie anymore. And for this I will give you a camera.
When Lelya heard these words, she thought that dad had gone crazy in his mind and now gives everyone gifts not for A's, but for ones'.
And then Lelya came up to dad and said:
- Daddy, I also got a bad mark in physics today because I didn’t learn the lesson.
But Lelya’s expectations were not met. Dad got angry with her, kicked her out of his room and told her to sit down with her books immediately.
And then in the evening, when we were going to bed, the bell suddenly rang.
It was my teacher who came to dad. And he said to him:
- Today we were cleaning our classroom, and behind the bookcase we found your son’s diary. How do you like this little liar and deceiver who left his diary so that you would not see him?
Dad said:
- I have already personally heard about this diary from my son. He himself admitted this act to me. So there is no reason to think that my son is an incorrigible liar and deceiver.
The teacher told dad:
- Oh, that's how it is. You already know this. In this case, it is a misunderstanding. Sorry. Good night.
And I, lying in my bed, hearing these words, cried bitterly. And he promised himself to always tell the truth.
And this is indeed what I always do now.
Ah, sometimes it can be very difficult, but my heart is cheerful and calm.

Stupid story

Petya was not such a little boy. He was four years old. But his mother considered him a very tiny child. She spoon-fed him, took him for walks by the hand, and dressed him herself in the morning.
One day Petya woke up in his bed. And his mother began to dress him. So she dressed him and put him on his legs near the bed. But Petya suddenly fell. Mom thought he was being naughty and put him back on his feet. But he fell again. Mom was surprised and placed it near the crib for the third time. But the child fell again.
Mom got scared and called dad at the service on the phone.
She told dad:
- Come home quickly. Something happened to our boy - he can’t stand on his legs.
So dad comes and says:
- Nonsense. Our boy walks and runs well, and it is impossible for him to fall.
And he immediately puts the boy on the carpet. The boy wants to go to his toys, but again, for the fourth time, he falls.
Dad says:
- We need to call the doctor quickly. Our boy must have fallen ill. He probably ate too much candy yesterday.
The doctor was called.
A doctor comes in with glasses and a pipe. The doctor says to Petya:
- What kind of news is this! Why are you falling?
Petya says:
- I don’t know why, but I’m falling a little.
The doctor says to mom:
- Come on, undress this child, I’ll examine him now.
Mom undressed Petya, and the doctor began to listen to him.
The doctor listened to him through the tube and said:
- The child is completely healthy. And it’s surprising why it falls for you. Come on, put him on again and put him on his feet.
So the mother quickly dresses the boy and puts him on the floor.
And the doctor puts glasses on his nose to better see how the boy falls.
As soon as the boy was put on his feet, he suddenly fell again.
The doctor was surprised and said:
- Call the professor. Maybe the professor will figure out why this child is falling.
Dad went to call the professor, and at that moment a little boy Kolya comes to visit Petya.
Kolya looked at Petya, laughed and said:
- And I know why Petya falls.
Doctor says:
- Look, what a learned little one there is - he knows better than me why children fall.
Kolya says:
- Look how Petya is dressed. One of his trouser legs is dangling, and both legs are stuck in the other. That's why he falls.
Here everyone oohed and groaned.
Petya says:
- It was my mother who dressed me.
Doctor says:
- No need to call the professor. Now we understand why the child falls.
Mom says:
“In the morning I was in a hurry to cook porridge for him, but now I was very worried, and that’s why I put his pants on so wrong.”
Kolya says:
“But I always dress myself, and such nonsense with my legs doesn’t happen.” Adults always get things wrong.
Petya says:
- Now I will also dress myself.
Then everyone laughed. And the doctor laughed. He said goodbye to everyone, and he also said goodbye to Kolya. And he went about his business. Dad went to work.
Mom went to the kitchen. And Kolya and Petya remained in the room. And they started playing with toys.
And the next day Petya put on his pants himself, and no more stupid stories happened to him.

In the zoological garden

Mother holds my hand. We are walking along the path.
Mother says:
“We’ll see the animals later.” First there will be a competition for children.
We're going to the site. There are a lot of children there.
Each child is given a bag. You need to get into this bag and tie it on your chest.
Here are the bags tied. And the children in bags are placed on a white line.
Someone waves a flag and shouts: “Run!”
Tangled in bags, we run. Many children fall and cry. Some of them get up and run on crying.
I almost fall too. But then, having managed, I quickly move in this bag of mine.
I'm the first to approach the table. Music is playing. And everyone claps. And they give me a box of marmalade, a flag and a picture book. I walk up to my mother, clutching the gifts to my chest.
On the bench, mom cleans me up. She combs my hair and wipes my dirty face with a handkerchief.
After that we go to see the monkeys.
I wonder if monkeys eat marmalade? We need to treat them.
I want to treat the monkeys with marmalade, but suddenly I see that I don’t have a box in my hands...
Mom says:
– We probably left the box on the bench.
I run to the bench. But my box of marmalade is no longer there.
I cry so much that the monkeys pay attention to me.
Mom says:
“They probably stole our box.” It's okay, I'll buy you another one.
- I want this one! - I shout so loudly that the tiger flinches and the elephant raises its trunk

Storm

With my sister Lelya I walk through the field and pick flowers.
I collect yellow flowers.
Lelya collects blue ones.
Our younger sister, Yulia, is trailing behind us. She collects white flowers.
We collect this on purpose to make it more interesting to collect.
Suddenly Lelya says:
- Gentlemen, look what a cloud it is.
We look at the sky. A terrible cloud is quietly approaching. She is so black that everything around her becomes dark. She crawls like a monster, enveloping the entire sky.
Lelya says:
- Hurry home. Now there will be a terrible thunderstorm.
We are running home. But we are running towards the cloud. Right into the mouth of this monster.
Suddenly the wind blows. He spins everything around us.
Dust rises. Dry grass is flying. And the bushes and trees bend.
With all our might we run home.
The rain is already falling in large drops on our heads.
Terrible lightning and even more terrible thunder shake us. I fall to the ground and, jumping up, run again. I run as if a tiger is chasing me.
The house is so close.
I look back. Lyolya drags Yulia by the hand. Julia is roaring.
Another hundred steps and I’m on the porch.
On the porch Lelya scolds me about why I lost my yellow bouquet. But I didn't lose him, I abandoned him.
I speak:
- Since there is such a thunderstorm, why do we need bouquets?
Huddled close to each other, we sit on the bed.
A terrible thunder shakes our dacha.
The rain drums on the windows and roof.
You can't see anything from the rain.

Coward Vasya

Vasya's father was a blacksmith.
He worked in a forge. He made horseshoes, hammers and hatchets there.
And every day he rode to the forge on his horse. He had, wow, a nice black horse. He harnessed her to the cart and drove off. And in the evening he returned.
And his son, a six-year-old boy named Vasya, loved to ride a little.
Father, for example, comes home, gets off the cart, and Vasyutka immediately gets into it and rides all the way to the forest.
And his father, of course, did not allow him to do this.
And the horse didn’t really allow it either. And when Vasyutka climbed into the cart, the horse looked askance at him. And she waved her tail, saying, boy, get off my cart. But Vasya lashed the horse with a rod, and then it was a little painful, and it ran quietly.
Then one evening my father returned home. Vasya climbed into the cart, whipped the horse with a rod and rode out of the yard for a ride.
And today he was in a fighting mood - he wanted to ride further.
And so he rides through the woods and whips his black horse so that he runs faster.
Suddenly, you know, someone will hit Vasya on the back!
Vasyutka jumped up in surprise. He thought that it was his father who caught up with him and whipped him with a rod - why did he leave without asking.
Vasya looked around. He sees that there is no one.
Then he whipped the horse again. But then, for the second time, someone again hits him on the back!
Vasya looked back again. No, he looks, there’s no one there. What miracles are in the sieve?
Vasya thinks:
“Oh, who’s hitting me on the neck if there’s no one around!”
But I must tell you that when Vasya was driving through the forest, a large branch from a tree got into the wheel. She grabbed the wheel tightly. And as soon as the wheel turns around, the branch, of course, slaps Vasya on the back.
But Vasya doesn’t see this. Because it's already dark. And, in addition, he was a little scared. And he didn’t want to look around.
The branch hit Vasya for the third time and he became even more frightened.
He thinks:
“Oh, maybe the horse is hitting me. Maybe she somehow grabbed the rod with her muzzle and, in turn, whips me too.”
Here he even moved a little away from the horse.
As soon as he moved away, the branch lashed Vasya not on his back, but on the back of his head.
Vasya dropped the reins and started screaming in fear.
And the horse, don’t be a fool, turned back and set off as fast as it could towards the house.
And the wheel will spin even more. And the branch will begin to whip Vasya even more often.
Here, you know, not only the little ones, but also the big ones can get scared.
Here the horse is galloping. And Vasya lies in the cart and screams with all his might. And the branch hits him - first on the back, then on the legs, then on the back of the head.
Vasya shouts:
- Oh, dad! Oh, mom! The horse is hitting me!
But then suddenly the horse drove up to the house and stopped in the yard.
And Vasyutka is lying in the cart and is afraid to go. He lies there, you know, and doesn’t want to eat. The father came to unharness the horse. And then Vasyutka crawled off the cart. And then he suddenly saw a branch in the wheel that was hitting him.
Vasya unhooked the branch from the wheel and wanted to hit the horse with this branch. But the father said:
- Stop your stupid habit of beating a horse. She is smarter than you and understands well what she needs to do.
Then Vasya, scratching his back, went home and went to bed. And at night he had a dream that a horse came to him and said:
- Well, little coward, did you go for a ride?
In the morning Vasya woke up and went to the river to catch fish.

Once upon a time there lived a little boy Pavlik in Leningrad. He had a mother. And there was dad. And there was a grandmother.

And in addition, a cat named Bubenchik lived in their apartment.

This morning dad went to work. Mom left too. And Pavlik stayed with his grandmother.

And my grandmother was terribly old. And she loved to sleep in the chair.

So dad left. And mom left. Grandmother sat down in a chair. And Pavlik began to play on the floor with his cat. He wanted her to walk on her hind legs. But she didn't want to. And she meowed very pitifully.

Suddenly a bell rang on the stairs.

Grandmother and Pavlik went to open the doors.

It's the postman.

He brought a letter.

Pavlik took the letter and said:

“I’ll tell dad myself.”

The postman has left. Pavlik wanted to play with his cat again. And suddenly he sees that the cat is nowhere to be found.

Pavlik says to his grandmother:

- Grandma, that’s the number - our Bubenchik has disappeared.

Grandma says:

“Bubenchik probably ran up the stairs when we opened the door for the postman.”

Pavlik says:

- No, it was probably the postman who took my Bubenchik. He probably gave us the letter on purpose and took my trained cat for himself. It was a cunning postman.

Grandmother laughed and said jokingly:

- Tomorrow the postman will come, we will give him this letter and in return we will take our cat back from him.

So the grandmother sat down in a chair and fell asleep.

And Pavlik put on his coat and hat, took the letter and quietly went out onto the stairs.

“It’s better,” he thinks, “I’ll give the letter to the postman now. And now I’d better take my cat from him.”

So Pavlik went out into the yard. And he sees that there is no postman in the yard.

Pavlik went outside. And he walked down the street. And he sees that there is no postman anywhere on the street either.

Suddenly some red-haired lady says:

- Oh, look, everyone, what a little baby is walking alone down the street! He probably lost his mother and got lost. Oh, call the policeman quickly!

Here comes a policeman with a whistle. His aunt tells him:

- Look at this little boy of about five who got lost.

The policeman says:

- This boy is holding a letter in his pen. This letter probably contains the address where he lives. We will read this address and deliver the child home. It's good that he took the letter with him.

Auntie says:

– In America, many parents deliberately put letters in their children’s pockets so that they don’t get lost.

And with these words, the aunt wants to take a letter from Pavlik. Pavlik tells her:

– Why are you worried? I know where I live.

The aunt was surprised that the boy told her so boldly. And from excitement I almost fell into a puddle.

Then he says:

- Look how lively the boy is. Let him then tell us where he lives.

Pavlik answers:

– Fontanka Street, eight.

The policeman looked at the letter and said:

- Wow, this is a fighting child - he knows where he lives.

Auntie says to Pavlik:

– What’s your name and who is your dad?

Pavlik says:

- My dad is a driver. Mom went to the store. Grandma is sleeping in a chair. And my name is Pavlik.

The policeman laughed and said:

– This is a fighting, demonstrative child - he knows everything. He'll probably be a police chief when he grows up.

The aunt says to the policeman:

- Take this boy home.

The policeman says to Pavlik:

- Well, little comrade, let's go home.

Pavlik says to the policeman:

“Give me your hand and I’ll take you to my house.” This is my beautiful home.

Here the policeman laughed. And the red-haired aunt laughed too.

The policeman said:

– This is an exceptionally combative, demonstrative child. Not only does he know everything, he also wants to take me home. This child will certainly be the chief of police.

So the policeman gave his hand to Pavlik, and they went home.

As soon as they reached their house, suddenly their mother was coming.

Mom was surprised to see Pavlik walking down the street, picked him up and brought him home.

At home she scolded him a little. She said:

- Oh, you nasty boy, why did you run into the street?

Pavlik said:

– I wanted to take my Bubenchik from the postman. Otherwise my little bell disappeared, and probably the postman took it.

Mom said:

- What nonsense! Postmen never take cats. There's your little bell sitting on the closet.

Pavlik says:

- That's the number. Look where my trained cat jumped.

Mom says:

“You, nasty boy, must have been tormenting her, so she climbed onto the closet.”

Suddenly grandma woke up.

Grandmother, not knowing what happened, says to mother:

– Today Pavlik behaved very quietly and well. And he didn't even wake me up. We should give him candy for this.

Mom says:

“You don’t need to give him candy, but put him in the corner with his nose.” He ran outside today.

Grandma says:

- That's the number.

Suddenly dad comes. Dad wanted to get angry, why did the boy run out into the street? But Pavlik gave dad a letter.

Dad says:

– This letter is not to me, but to my grandmother.

Then she says:

– In Moscow, my youngest daughter gave birth to another child.

Pavlik says:

– Probably, a fighting child was born. And he will probably be the chief of police.

Then everyone laughed and sat down to dinner.

The first course was soup with rice. For the second course - cutlets. For the third there was jelly.

The cat Bubenchik watched Pavlik eat from her closet for a long time. Then I couldn’t stand it and decided to eat a little too.

She jumped from the closet to the chest of drawers, from the chest of drawers to the chair, from the chair to the floor.

And then Pavlik gave her a little soup and a little jelly.

And the cat was very happy with it.

Petya was not such a little boy. He was four years old. But his mother considered him a very tiny child. She spoon-fed him, took him for walks by the hand, and dressed him herself in the morning.

Then one day Petya woke up in his bed.

And his mother began to dress him.

So she dressed him and put him on his legs near the bed. But Petya suddenly fell.

Mom thought he was being naughty and put him back on his feet. But he fell again.

Mom was surprised and placed it near the crib for the third time. But the child fell again.

Mom got scared and called dad at the service on the phone.

She told dad:

- Come home quickly. Something happened to our boy - he can’t stand on his legs.

So dad comes and says:

- Nonsense. Our boy walks and runs well, and it’s impossible for him to fall.

And he immediately puts the boy on the carpet. The boy wants to go to his toys, but again, for the fourth time, he falls.

© Zoshchenko M. M., heirs, 2009

© Andreev A. S., illustrations, 2011

© AST Publishing House LLC, 2014

Smart animals

They say that elephants and monkeys are very smart animals. But other animals are not stupid either. Look what smart animals I saw.

Smart goose

One goose was walking in the yard and found a dry crust of bread.

So the goose began to peck at this crust with its beak in order to break it and eat it. But the crust was very dry. And the goose could not break it. But the goose didn’t dare swallow the whole crust right away, because it probably wouldn’t be good for the goose’s health.

Then I wanted to break this crust so that it would be easier for the goose to eat. But the goose did not allow me to touch its crust. He probably thought that I wanted to eat it myself.

Then I stepped aside and watched what would happen next.

Suddenly the goose takes this crust with its beak and goes to the puddle. He puts this crust in the puddle. The crust is made soft in water. And then the goose eats it with pleasure.

It was a smart goose. But the fact that he didn't let me break the crust shows that he wasn't all that smart. Not exactly a fool, but he was still a little behind in his mental development.

Smart chicken

One hen was walking in the yard with chickens. She has nine little chicks.

Suddenly a shaggy dog ​​came running from somewhere.

This dog crept up to the chickens and grabbed one.

Then all the other chickens got scared and scattered.

Kura was also very scared at first and ran. But then she looks - what a scandal: the dog is holding her little chicken in its teeth.

And he probably dreams of eating it.

Then the chicken boldly ran up to the dog. She jumped up a little and gave the dog a painful peck right in the eye.

The dog even opened his mouth in surprise.

And she released the chicken. And he immediately ran away quickly. And the dog looked to see who pecked her in the eye. And, seeing the chicken, she became angry and rushed at it. But then the owner ran up, grabbed the dog by the collar and took it away with him.

And the chicken, as if nothing had happened, collected all her chickens, counted them and began to walk around the yard again.

It was a very smart chicken.

Stupid thief and smart pig

Our owner had a pig at his dacha.

And the owner locked this piglet in the barn at night so that no one would steal it.

But one thief still wanted to steal this pig.

He broke the lock at night and made his way into the barn.

And piglets always squeal very loudly when they are picked up. Therefore, the thief took the blanket with him.

And just as the pig wanted to squeal, the thief quickly wrapped him in a blanket and quietly walked out of the barn with him.

Here is a piglet squealing and floundering in a blanket. But the owners don’t hear his screams because it was a thick blanket. And the thief wrapped the pig very tightly.

Suddenly the thief feels that the pig is no longer moving in the blanket. And he stopped screaming.

And lies without any movement.

The thief thinks:

“I may have wrapped the blanket around him really tight. And maybe the poor little pig suffocated there.”

The thief quickly unfolded the blanket to see what was wrong with the piglet, and the piglet jumped out of his hands, squealed, and rushed to the side.

Then the owners came running. The thief was captured.

Thief says:

- Oh, what a pig this cunning piglet is. He probably pretended to be dead on purpose so that I would let him out. Or maybe he fainted from fear.

The owner says to the thief:

- No, my pig didn’t faint, but he deliberately pretended to be dead so that you would untie the blanket. This is a very smart pig, thanks to which we caught the thief.

Very smart horse

Besides the goose, chicken and pig, I saw a lot of smart animals. And I’ll tell you about this later.

In the meantime, I need to say a few words about smart horses.

Dogs eat boiled meat.

Cats drink milk and eat birds. Cows eat grass. Bulls also eat grass and gore people. Tigers, those cheeky animals, eat raw meat. Monkeys eat nuts and apples. Chickens peck crumbs and various debris.

Tell me, please, what does the horse eat?

The horse eats the same healthy food that children eat.

Horses eat oats. And oats are oatmeal and rolled oats.

And children eat oatmeal and rolled oats and thanks to this they become strong, healthy and brave.

No, horses are not stupid for eating oats.

Horses are very smart animals because they eat such a healthy baby food. In addition, horses love sugar, which also shows that they are not stupid.

Smart bird

One boy was walking in the forest and found a nest.

And in the nest sat tiny naked chicks. And they squeaked.

They were probably waiting for their mother to fly in and feed them worms and flies.

The boy was glad that he had found such nice chicks, and wanted to take one to bring him home.

As soon as he extended his hand to the chicks, suddenly some feathered bird fell from the tree like a stone at his feet.

She fell and lies in the grass.

The boy wanted to grab this bird, but it jumped a little, hopped on the ground and ran away to the side.

Then the boy ran after her. “Probably,” he thinks, “this bird hurt its wing, and that’s why it can’t fly.”

As soon as the boy approached this bird, it jumped again, jumped on the ground and again ran away a little.

The boy follows her again. The bird flew up a little and sat down in the grass again.

Then the boy took off his hat and wanted to cover the bird with this hat.

As soon as he ran up to her, she suddenly took off and flew away.

The boy was really angry with this bird.

And he quickly went back to take at least one chick.

And suddenly the boy sees that he has lost the place where the nest was, and cannot find it.

Then the boy realized that this bird had deliberately fallen from the tree and was deliberately running on the ground in order to take the boy away from its nest.

So the boy never found the chick.

He picked a few wild strawberries, ate them and went home.

Clever dog

I had a big dog. Her name was Jim.

It was a very expensive dog. It cost three hundred rubles.

And in the summer, when I was living at the dacha, some thieves stole this dog from me. They lured her with meat and took her away with them.

So I searched and searched for this dog and couldn’t find it anywhere.

And then one day I came to the city to my city apartment. And I’m sitting there, grieving that I lost such a wonderful dog.

Suddenly I heard someone on the stairs call.

I open the door. And you can imagine - my dog ​​is sitting on the platform in front of me.

And some top tenant says to me:

- Oh, what a smart dog you have - she just called herself. She nuzzled the electric bell and called for you to open the door for her.

It's a shame that dogs can't talk.

Otherwise she would have told who stole it and how she got into the city. The thieves probably brought it by train to Leningrad and wanted to sell it there. But she ran away from them and probably ran through the streets for a long time until she found her familiar house, where she lived in the winter.

Then she climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. She lay at our door. Then she saw that no one opened it for her, so she took it and called.

Oh, I was very happy that my dog ​​was found, I kissed her and bought her a big piece of meat.

Relatively smart cat

One housewife left on business and forgot that she had a cat in the kitchen.

And the cat had three kittens that had to be fed all the time.

Our cat got hungry and started looking for something to eat.

And there was no food in the kitchen.

Then the cat went out into the corridor. But she didn’t find anything good in the corridor either.

Then the cat approached one room and felt through the door that there was something pleasant smelling there. And so the cat began to open this door with its paw.

And in this room there lived an aunt who was terribly afraid of thieves.

And here this woman sits by the window, eats pies and trembles with fear. And suddenly she sees that the door to her room is quietly opening.

The aunt, frightened, says:

- Oh, who's there?

But no one answers.

The aunt thought they were thieves, opened the window and jumped out into the yard. And it’s good that she, the fool, lived on the first floor, otherwise she probably would have broken her leg or something. And then she only hurt herself a little and bloodied her nose.

So my aunt ran to call the janitor, and meanwhile our cat opened the door with her paw, found four pies on the window, gobbled them up and went back to the kitchen to her kittens.

The janitor comes with his aunt. And he sees that there is no one in the apartment.

The janitor got angry with the aunt - why did she call him in vain - he scolded her and left.

And the aunt sat down by the window and wanted to start making pies again. And suddenly he sees: there are no pies.

The aunt thought that she herself had eaten them and forgot out of fear. And then she went to bed hungry.

And in the morning the owner arrived and began to carefully feed the cat.

Very smart monkeys

A very interesting incident happened in the zoological garden.

One man began to tease the monkeys who were sitting in a cage.

He deliberately pulled out a piece of candy from his pocket and handed it to one monkey. She wanted to take it, but the man didn’t give it to her and hid the candy again.

Then he again held out the candy and again didn’t give it to me. And in addition, he hit the monkey on the paw quite hard.

The monkey got angry - why did they hit it? She stuck her paw out of the cage and at one moment grabbed the hat from the man’s head.

And she began to crush this hat, trample it and tear it with her teeth.

So the man started screaming and calling for the watchman.

And at that moment another monkey grabbed the man by the jacket from behind and did not let go.

Then the man raised a terrible cry. Firstly, he was scared, secondly, he felt sorry for his hat, and thirdly, he was afraid that the monkey would tear his jacket.

And fourthly, he had to go to lunch, but here they wouldn’t let him in.

So he began to scream, and the third monkey stretched out its furry paw from the cage and began to grab him by the hair and nose.

At this point the man was so frightened that he actually screamed in fear.

The watchman came running.

Watchman says:

“Hurry up, take off your jacket and run to the side, otherwise the monkeys will scratch your face or tear off your nose.”

So the man unbuttoned his jacket and instantly jumped out of it.

And the monkey, who was holding him from behind, pulled the jacket into the cage and began to tear it with his teeth. The watchman wants to take this jacket away from her, but she won’t give it back. But then she found candy in her pocket and began to eat it.

Then the other monkeys, seeing the candies, rushed to them and began to eat them too.

Finally, the watchman used a stick to pull the horribly torn hat and torn jacket out of the cage and handed them to the man.

The watchman told him:

– It’s your own fault, why you teased the monkeys. Also be grateful that they didn’t tear your nose off. Otherwise, without a nose, we’d go to dinner!

So a man put on a torn jacket and a torn and dirty hat and in such a funny manner, to the general laughter of people, he went home to have dinner.

Funny stories

Demonstration child

Once upon a time there lived a little boy Pavlik in Leningrad.

He had a mother. And there was dad. And there was a grandmother.

And in addition, a cat named Bubenchik lived in their apartment.

This morning dad went to work. Mom left too. And Pavlik stayed with his grandmother.

And my grandmother was terribly old. And she loved to sleep in the chair.

So dad left. And mom left. Grandmother sat down in a chair. And Pavlik began to play on the floor with his cat. He wanted her to walk on her hind legs. But she didn't want to. And she meowed very pitifully.

Suddenly a bell rang on the stairs.

Grandmother and Pavlik went to open the doors.

It's the postman.

He brought a letter.

Pavlik took the letter and said:

“I’ll tell dad myself.”

The postman has left. Pavlik wanted to play with his cat again. And suddenly he sees that the cat is nowhere to be found.

Pavlik says to his grandmother:

- Grandma, that’s the number - our Bubenchik has disappeared.

Grandma says:

“Bubenchik probably ran up the stairs when we opened the door for the postman.”

Pavlik says:

- No, it was probably the postman who took my Bubenchik. He probably gave us the letter on purpose and took my trained cat for himself. It was a cunning postman.

Grandmother laughed and said jokingly:

- Tomorrow the postman will come, we will give him this letter and in return we will take our cat back from him.

So the grandmother sat down in a chair and fell asleep.

And Pavlik put on his coat and cap, took the letter and quietly went out onto the stairs.

“It’s better,” he thinks, “I’ll give the letter to the postman now. And now I’d better take my cat from him.”

So Pavlik went out into the yard. And he sees that there is no postman in the yard.

Pavlik went outside. And he walked down the street. And he sees that there is no postman anywhere on the street either.

Suddenly some red-haired woman says:

- Oh, look, everyone, what a little kid walking alone down the street! He probably lost his mother and got lost. Oh, call the policeman quickly!

Here comes a policeman with a whistle. His aunt tells him:

- Look at this little boy of about five who got lost.

The policeman says:

- This boy is holding a letter in his pen. This letter probably contains the address where he lives. We will read this address and deliver the child home. It's good that he took the letter with him.

Auntie says:

– In America, many parents deliberately put letters in their children’s pockets so that they don’t get lost.

And with these words, the aunt wants to take a letter from Pavlik. Pavlik tells her:

– Why are you worried? I know where I live.

The aunt was surprised that the boy told her so boldly. And from excitement I almost fell into a puddle.

Then he says:

- Look how lively the boy is. Let him then tell us where he lives.

Pavlik answers:

– Fontanka Street, eight.

The policeman looked at the letter and said:

- Wow, this is a fighting child - he knows where he lives.

The aunt says to Pavlik:

– What’s your name and who is your dad?

Pavlik says:

- My dad is a driver. Mom went to the store. Grandma is sleeping in a chair. And my name is Pavlik.

The policeman laughed and said:

– This is a fighting, demonstrative child - he knows everything. He'll probably be a police chief when he grows up.

The aunt says to the policeman:

- Take this boy home.

The policeman says to Pavlik:

- Well, little comrade, let's go home.

Pavlik says to the policeman:

“Give me your hand and I’ll take you to my house.” This is my beautiful home.

Here the policeman laughed. And the red-haired aunt laughed too.

The policeman said:

– This is an exceptionally combative, demonstrative child. Not only does he know everything, he also wants to take me home. This child will certainly be the chief of police.

So the policeman gave his hand to Pavlik, and they went home.

As soon as they reached their house, suddenly their mother was walking.

Mom was surprised to see Pavlik walking down the street, picked him up and brought him home.

At home she scolded him a little. She said:

- Oh, you nasty boy, why did you run into the street?

Pavlik said:

– I wanted to take my Bubenchik from the postman.

Otherwise my little bell disappeared, and probably the postman took it.

Mom said:

- What nonsense! Postmen never take cats. There's your little bell sitting on the closet.

Pavlik says:

- That's the number. Look where my trained cat jumped.

Mom says:

“You, nasty boy, must have been tormenting her, so she climbed onto the closet.”

Suddenly grandma woke up.

Grandmother, not knowing what happened, says to mother:

– Today Pavlik behaved very quietly and well. And he didn't even wake me up. We should give him candy for this.

Mom says:

“You don’t need to give him candy, but put him in the corner with his nose.” He ran outside today.

Grandma says:

- That's the number.

Suddenly dad comes. Dad wanted to get angry, why did the boy run out into the street? But Pavlik gave dad a letter.

Dad says:

– This letter is not to me, but to my grandmother.

Then she says:

– In Moscow, my youngest daughter gave birth to another child.

Pavlik says:

“Probably a fighting child was born.” And he will probably be the chief of police.

Then everyone laughed and sat down to dinner.

The first course was soup with rice. For the second course - cutlets. For the third there was jelly.

The cat Bubenchik watched Pavlik eat from her closet for a long time. Then I couldn’t stand it and decided to eat a little too.

She jumped from the closet to the chest of drawers, from the chest of drawers to the chair, from the chair to the floor.

And then Pavlik gave her a little soup and a little jelly.

Mikhail Zoshchenko

Funny stories (collection)

© ACT Publishing LLC

Demonstration child

Once upon a time there lived a little boy Pavlik in Leningrad.

He had a mother. And there was dad. And there was a grandmother.

And in addition, a cat named Bubenchik lived in their apartment.

This morning dad went to work. Mom left too. And Pavlik stayed with his grandmother.

And my grandmother was terribly old. And she loved to sleep in the chair.

So dad left. And mom left. Grandmother sat down in a chair. And Pavlik began to play on the floor with his cat. He wanted her to walk on her hind legs. But she didn't want to. And she meowed very pitifully.

Suddenly a bell rang on the stairs.

Grandmother and Pavlik went to open the doors.

It's the postman.

He brought a letter.

Pavlik took the letter and said:

“I’ll tell dad myself.”

The postman has left. Pavlik wanted to play with his cat again. And suddenly he sees that the cat is nowhere to be found.

Pavlik says to his grandmother:

- Grandma, that’s the number - our Bubenchik has disappeared.

Grandma says:

“Bubenchik probably ran up the stairs when we opened the door for the postman.”

Pavlik says:

- No, it was probably the postman who took my Bubenchik. He probably gave us the letter on purpose and took my trained cat for himself. It was a cunning postman.

Grandmother laughed and said jokingly:

- Tomorrow the postman will come, we will give him this letter and in return we will take our cat back from him.

So the grandmother sat down in a chair and fell asleep.

And Pavlik put on his coat and hat, took the letter and quietly went out onto the stairs.

“It’s better,” he thinks, “I’ll give the letter to the postman now. And now I’d better take my cat from him.”

So Pavlik went out into the yard. And he sees that there is no postman in the yard.

Pavlik went outside. And he walked down the street. And he sees that there is no postman anywhere on the street either.

Suddenly some red-haired lady says:

- Oh, look, everyone, what a little kid walking alone down the street! He probably lost his mother and got lost. Oh, call the policeman quickly!

Here comes a policeman with a whistle. His aunt tells him:

- Look at this little boy of about five who got lost.

The policeman says:

- This boy is holding a letter in his pen. This letter probably contains the address where he lives. We will read this address and deliver the child home. It's good that he took the letter with him.

Auntie says:

– In America, many parents deliberately put letters in their children’s pockets so that they don’t get lost.

And with these words, the aunt wants to take a letter from Pavlik. Pavlik tells her:

– Why are you worried? I know where I live.

The aunt was surprised that the boy told her so boldly. And from excitement I almost fell into a puddle.

Then he says:

- Look how lively the boy is. Let him then tell us where he lives.

Pavlik answers:

– Fontanka Street, eight.

The policeman looked at the letter and said:

- Wow, this is a fighting child - he knows where he lives.

Auntie says to Pavlik:

– What’s your name and who is your dad?

Pavlik says:

- My dad is a driver. Mom went to the store. Grandma is sleeping in a chair. And my name is Pavlik.

The policeman laughed and said:

– This is a fighting, demonstrative child - he knows everything. He'll probably be a police chief when he grows up.

The aunt says to the policeman:

- Take this boy home.

The policeman says to Pavlik:

- Well, little comrade, let's go home.

Pavlik says to the policeman:

“Give me your hand and I’ll take you to my house.” This is my beautiful home.

Here the policeman laughed. And the red-haired aunt laughed too.

The policeman said:

– This is an exceptionally combative, demonstrative child. Not only does he know everything, he also wants to take me home. This child will certainly be the chief of police.

So the policeman gave his hand to Pavlik, and they went home.

As soon as they reached their house, suddenly their mother was coming.

Mom was surprised to see Pavlik walking down the street, picked him up and brought him home.

At home she scolded him a little. She said:

- Oh, you nasty boy, why did you run into the street?

Pavlik said:

– I wanted to take my Bubenchik from the postman. Otherwise my little bell disappeared, and probably the postman took it.

Mom said:

- What nonsense! Postmen never take cats. There's your little bell sitting on the closet.

Pavlik says:

- That's the number. Look where my trained cat jumped.

Mom says:

“You, nasty boy, must have been tormenting her, so she climbed onto the closet.”

Suddenly grandma woke up.

Grandmother, not knowing what happened, says to mother:

– Today Pavlik behaved very quietly and well. And he didn't even wake me up. We should give him candy for this.

Mom says:

“You don’t need to give him candy, but put him in the corner with his nose.” He ran outside today.

Grandma says:

- That's the number.

Suddenly dad comes. Dad wanted to get angry, why did the boy run out into the street? But Pavlik gave dad a letter.

Dad says:

– This letter is not to me, but to my grandmother.

Then she says:

– In Moscow, my youngest daughter gave birth to another child.

Pavlik says:

– Probably, a fighting child was born. And he will probably be the chief of police.

Then everyone laughed and sat down to dinner.

The first course was soup with rice. For the second course - cutlets. For the third there was jelly.

The cat Bubenchik watched Pavlik eat from her closet for a long time. Then I couldn’t stand it and decided to eat a little too.

She jumped from the closet to the chest of drawers, from the chest of drawers to the chair, from the chair to the floor.

And then Pavlik gave her a little soup and a little jelly.

And the cat was very happy with it.

Coward Vasya

Vasya's father was a blacksmith.

He worked in a forge. He made horseshoes, hammers and hatchets there.

And every day he rode to the forge on his horse.

He had, wow, a nice black horse.

He harnessed her to the cart and drove off.

And in the evening he returned.

And his son, a six-year-old boy named Vasya, loved to ride a little.

Father, for example, comes home, gets off the cart, and Vasyutka immediately gets into it and rides all the way to the forest.

And his father, of course, did not allow him to do this.

And the horse didn’t really allow it either. And when Vasyutka climbed into the cart, the horse looked askance at him. And she waved her tail, saying, boy, get off my cart. But Vasya lashed the horse with a rod, and then it was a little painful, and it ran quietly.

Then one evening my father returned home. Vasya immediately climbed into the cart, whipped the horse with a rod and rode out of the yard for a ride. And today he was in a fighting mood - he wanted to ride further.

And so he rides through the woods and whips his black horse so that he runs faster.

Suddenly someone hits Vasya on the back!

Vasyutka jumped up in surprise. He thought that it was his father who caught up with him and whipped him with a rod - why did he leave without asking.

Vasya looked around. He sees that there is no one.

Then he whipped the horse again. But then, for the second time, someone again hits him on the back!

Vasya looked back again. No, he looks, there’s no one there. What miracles are in the sieve?

Vasya thinks:

“Oh, who’s hitting me on the neck if there’s no one around!”

But I must tell you that when Vasya was driving through the forest, a large branch from a tree got into the wheel. She grabbed the wheel tightly. And as soon as the wheel turns around, the branch, of course, slaps Vasya on the back.

But Vasya doesn’t see this. Because it's already dark. And on top of that, he was a little scared. And he didn’t want to look around.

The branch hit Vasya for the third time, and he became even more frightened.

He thinks:

“Oh, maybe the horse is hitting me. Maybe she grabbed the rod with her teeth and, in turn, is whipping me too.”

Here he even moved a little away from the horse.

As soon as he moved away, the branch lashed Vasya not on his back, but on the back of his head.

Vasya dropped the reins and started screaming in fear.

And the horse, don’t be a fool, turned back and set off as fast as it could towards the house.

And the wheel will spin even more.

And the branch will begin to whip Vasya even more often.

Here, you know, not only the little ones, but also the big ones can get scared.

Here the horse is galloping. And Vasya lies in the cart and screams with all his might. And the branch hits him - first on the back, then on the legs, then on the back of the head.

Vasya shouts:

- Oh, dad! Oh, mom! The horse is hitting me!

But then suddenly the horse drove up to the house and stopped in the yard.

And Vasyutka is lying in the cart and is afraid to go. He lies there, you know, and doesn’t want to eat.

The father came to unharness the horse. And then Vasyutka crawled off the cart. And then he suddenly saw a branch in the wheel that was hitting him.

Current page: 1 (book has 3 pages in total) [available reading passage: 1 pages]

Mikhail Zoshchenko
Funny stories for children (collection)

Stories about Minka's childhood

A history teacher

The history teacher calls me differently than usual. He pronounces my last name in an unpleasant tone. He deliberately squeaks and squeals when pronouncing my last name. And then all the students also begin to squeak and squeal, imitating the teacher.

I hate being called out like that. But I don’t know what needs to be done to prevent this from happening.

I stand at my desk and answer the lesson. I answer pretty well. But the lesson contains the word "banquet".

-What is a banquet? - the teacher asks me.

I know very well what a banquet is. This is lunch, food, a formal meeting at the table, in a restaurant. But I don’t know whether such an explanation can be given in relation to great historical people. Isn't this too small an explanation in terms of historical events?

- Huh? - the teacher asks, squealing. And in this “ah” I hear ridicule and disdain towards me.

And, hearing this “ah,” the students also begin to squeal.

The history teacher waves his hand at me. And he gives me a bad mark. At the end of the lesson I run after the teacher. I catch up with him on the stairs. I can't say a word from excitement. I have a fever.

Seeing me in this form, the teacher says:

- At the end of the quarter I will ask you again. Let's pull the three.

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I say. – If you call me like that again, then I... I...

- What? What's happened? - says the teacher.

“I’ll spit at you,” I mutter.

- What you said? – the teacher shouts menacingly. And, grabbing my hand, he pulls me upstairs to the director’s room. But suddenly he lets me go. He says: “Go to class.”

I go to class and expect that the director will come and kick me out of the gymnasium. But the director doesn't come.

A few days later, the history teacher calls me to the blackboard.

He quietly pronounces my last name. And when the students begin to squeal out of habit, the teacher hits the table with his fist and shouts to them:

- Be silent!

There is complete silence in the class. I mumble the task, but I'm thinking about something else. I think about this teacher who didn't complain to the principal and called me out in a different way than before. I look at him and tears appear in my eyes.

Teacher says:

- Don't worry. At least you know for a C.

He thought that I had tears in my eyes because I didn’t know the lesson well.

Storm

With my sister Lelya I walk through the field and pick flowers.

I collect yellow flowers.

Lelya collects blue ones.

Our younger sister, Yulia, is trailing behind us. She collects white flowers.

We collect this on purpose to make it more interesting to collect.

Suddenly Lelya says:

- Gentlemen, look what a cloud it is.

We look at the sky. A terrible cloud is quietly approaching. She is so black that everything around her becomes dark. She crawls like a monster, enveloping the entire sky.

Lelya says:

- Hurry home. Now there will be a terrible thunderstorm.

We are running home. But we are running towards the cloud. Right into the mouth of this monster.

Suddenly the wind blows. He spins everything around us.

Dust rises. Dry grass is flying. And the bushes and trees bend.

With all our might we run home.

The rain is already falling in large drops on our heads.

Terrible lightning and even more terrible thunder shake us. I fall to the ground and, jumping up, run again. I run as if a tiger is chasing me.

The house is so close.

I look back. Lyolya drags Yulia by the hand. Julia is roaring.

Another hundred steps and I’m on the porch.

On the porch Lelya scolds me about why I lost my yellow bouquet. But I didn't lose him, I abandoned him.

I speak:

- Since there is such a thunderstorm, why do we need bouquets?

Huddled close to each other, we sit on the bed.

A terrible thunder shakes our dacha.

The rain drums on the windows and roof.

You can't see anything from the rain.

By Grandma

We are visiting grandma. We are sitting at the table. Lunch is served.

Our grandmother is sitting next to our grandfather. Grandfather is fat and overweight. He looks like a lion. And grandma looks like a lioness.

A lion and a lioness are sitting at a table.

I keep looking at my grandmother. This is my mother's mother. She has gray hair. And a dark, amazingly beautiful face. Mom said that in her youth she was an extraordinary beauty.

They bring a bowl of soup.

It is not interesting. I'm unlikely to eat this.

But then they bring the pies. This is nothing yet.

Grandfather himself pours the soup.

As I serve my plate, I say to my grandfather:

- I just need one drop.

Grandpa holds a pouring spoon over my plate. He drops one drop of soup onto my plate.

I look at this drop in confusion.

Everyone laughs.

Grandfather says:

“He asked for one drop himself.” So I fulfilled his request.

I didn't want soup, but for some reason I'm offended. I'm almost crying.

Grandma says:

- Grandpa was joking. Give me your plate, I'll pour it.

I don't give my plate and don't touch the pies.

Grandfather says to my mother:

- This is a bad child. He doesn't understand jokes.

Mom tells me:

- Well, smile at grandpa. Answer him something.

I look at my grandfather angrily. I quietly tell him:

- I will never come to you again...

I am not guilty

We go to the table and eat pancakes.

Suddenly my father takes my plate and starts eating my pancakes. I'm crying.

Father with glasses. He looks serious. Beard. Nevertheless, he laughs. He says:

– You see how greedy he is. He feels sorry for one pancake for his father.

I speak:

- One pancake, please eat. I thought you would eat everything.

They bring soup. I speak:

- Dad, do you want my soup?

Dad says:

- No, I'll wait until they bring the sweets. Now, if you give me something sweet, then you are really a good boy.

Thinking that cranberry jelly with milk for dessert, I say:

- Please. You can eat my sweets.

Suddenly they bring a cream that I am partial to.

Pushing my saucer of cream towards my father, I say:

- Please eat, if you are so greedy.

The father frowns and leaves the table.

Mother says:

- Go to your father and ask for forgiveness.

I speak:

- I will not go. I am not guilty.

I leave the table without touching the sweets.

In the evening, when I am lying in bed, my father comes up. He has my saucer with cream in his hands.

Father says:

- Well, why didn’t you eat your cream?

I speak:

- Dad, let's eat it in half. Why should we quarrel over this?

My father kisses me and spoon-feeds me cream.

Chrolophyll

Only two subjects are interesting to me - zoology and botany. The rest is not.

However, history is also interesting to me, but not from the book we are going through.

I am very upset that I am not a good student. But I don’t know what needs to be done to prevent this from happening.

Even in botany I got a C. And I know this subject very well. I read a lot of books and even made a herbarium - an album in which leaves, flowers and herbs were pasted.

The botany teacher is telling something in class. Then he says:

- Why are the leaves green? Who knows?

There is silence in the class.

“I’ll give an A to the one who knows,” says the teacher.

I know why the leaves are green, but I am silent. I don't want to be an upstart. Let the first students answer. Besides, I don't need an A. That she will be the only one hanging around among my twos and threes? It's comical.

The teacher calls the first student. But he doesn't know.

Then I casually raise my hand.

“Oh, that’s how it is,” says the teacher, “you know.” Well, tell me.

“The leaves are green,” I say, “because they contain the coloring substance chlorophyll.”

Teacher says:

“Before I give you an A, I have to find out why you didn’t raise your hand right away.”

I'm silent. This is very difficult to answer.

- Maybe you didn’t remember right away? - asks the teacher.

- No, I remembered right away.

– Maybe you wanted to be taller than the first students?

I'm silent. Shaking his head reproachfully, the teacher gives an “A”.

In the zoological garden

Mother holds my hand. We are walking along the path.

Mother says:

“We’ll see the animals later.” First there will be a competition for children.

We're going to the site. There are a lot of children there.

Each child is given a bag. You need to get into this bag and tie it on your chest.

Here are the bags tied. And the children in bags are placed on a white line.

Someone waves a flag and shouts: “Run!”

Tangled in bags, we run. Many children fall and cry. Some of them get up and run on crying.

I almost fall too. But then, having managed, I quickly move in this bag of mine.

I'm the first to approach the table. Music is playing. And everyone claps. And they give me a box of marmalade, a flag and a picture book.

I walk up to my mother, clutching the gifts to my chest.

On the bench, mom cleans me up. She combs my hair and wipes my dirty face with a handkerchief.

After that we go to see the monkeys.

I wonder if monkeys eat marmalade? We need to treat them.

I want to treat the monkeys with marmalade, but suddenly I see that I don’t have a box in my hands...

Mom says:

– We probably left the box on the bench.

I run to the bench. But my box of marmalade is no longer there.

I cry so much that the monkeys pay attention to me.

Mom says:

“They probably stole our box.” It's okay, I'll buy you another one.

- I want this one! - I shout so loudly that the tiger flinches and the elephant raises its trunk.

So simple

We are sitting in a cart. A reddish peasant horse runs briskly along a dusty road.

The owner's son Vasyutka rules the horse. He casually holds the reins in his hands and from time to time shouts at the horse:

- Well, well, go... I fell asleep...

The little horse has not fallen asleep at all, she is running well. But that's probably how you're supposed to shout.

My hands are burning - I want to hold the reins, correct them and shout at the horse. But I don’t dare ask Vasyutka about this.

Suddenly Vasyutka himself says:

- Come on, hold the reins. I'll smoke.

Sister Lelya says to Vasyutka:

- No, don't give him the reins. He doesn't know how to rule.

Vasyutka says:

– What do you mean – he can’t? There is nothing to be able to do here.

And now the reins are in my hands. I hold them at arm's length.

Holding tightly to the cart, Lelya says:

- Well, now there will be a story - he will certainly overthrow us.

At this moment the cart bounces on a bump.

Lelya screams:

- I see. Now she will turn us around.

I also suspect that the cart will tip over, since the reins are in my inept hands. But no, having jumped on a bump, the cart rolls smoothly further.

Proud of my success, I pat the horse’s sides with the reins and shout: “Well, she’s asleep!”

Suddenly I see a turn in the road.

Hastily I ask Vasyutka:

-Which rein should I pull so that the horse runs to the right?

Vasyutka calmly says:

- Pull the right one.

- How many times do you pull the right one? - I ask.

Vasyutka shrugs:

- Once.

I pull the right rein, and suddenly, like in a fairy tale, the horse runs to the right.

But for some reason I’m upset and annoyed. So simple. I thought it was much more difficult to control a horse. I thought there was a whole science here that needed to be studied for years. And here is such nonsense.

I hand over the reins to Vasyutka. Not particularly interesting.

Lelya and Minka

Christmas tree

This year, guys, I turned forty years old. This means that I have seen the New Year tree forty times. It's a lot!

Well, for the first three years of my life, I probably didn’t understand what a Christmas tree was. My mother probably carried me in her arms. And, probably, with my black little eyes I looked without interest at the decorated tree.

And when I, children, turned five years old, I already perfectly understood what a Christmas tree was.

And I was looking forward to this joyful holiday. And I even spied through the crack of the door as my mother decorated the Christmas tree.

And my sister Lelya was seven years old at that time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl.

She once told me:

- Minka, mom went to the kitchen. Let's go to the room where the tree is and see what's going on there.

So my sister Lelya and I entered the room. And we see: a very beautiful tree. And there are gifts under the tree. And on the tree there are multi-colored beads, flags, lanterns, golden nuts, lozenges and Crimean apples.

My sister Lelya says:

- Let's not look at the gifts. Instead, let's eat one lozenge at a time.

And so she approaches the tree and instantly eats one lozenge hanging on a thread.

I speak:

- Lelya, if you ate a lozenge, then I’ll eat something too now.

And I go up to the tree and bite off a small piece of apple.

Lelya says:

- Minka, if you took a bite of the apple, then I’ll now eat another lozenge and, in addition, I’ll take this candy for myself.

And Lelya was a very tall, long-knitted girl. And she could reach high.

She stood on her tiptoes and began to eat the second lozenge with her big mouth.

And I was surprisingly short. And it was almost impossible for me to get anything except one apple that hung low.

I speak:

- If you, Lelishcha, ate the second lozenge, then I will bite off this apple again.

And I again take this apple with my hands and again bite it a little.

Lelya says:

“If you took a second bite of the apple, then I won’t stand on ceremony any more and will now eat the third lozenge and, in addition, I’ll take a cracker and a nut as a souvenir.”

Then I almost started crying. Because she could reach everything, but I couldn’t.

I tell her:

- And I, Lelishcha, how will I put a chair by the tree and how will I get myself something besides an apple.

And so I began to pull a chair towards the tree with my thin hands. But the chair fell on me. I wanted to pick up a chair. But he fell again. And straight for gifts.

Lelya says:

- Minka, it seems you broke the doll. This is true. You took the porcelain hand from the doll.

Then my mother’s steps were heard, and Lelya and I ran into another room.

Lelya says:

“Now, Minka, I can’t guarantee that your mother won’t put up with you.”

I wanted to roar, but at that moment the guests arrived. Many children with their parents.

And then our mother lit all the candles on the tree, opened the door and said:

- Everyone come in.

And all the children entered the room where the Christmas tree stood.

Our mom says:

– Now let each child come up to me, and I will give each one a toy and a treat.

And so the children began to approach our mother. And she gave everyone a toy. Then she took an apple, a lozenge and a candy from the tree and also gave it to the child.

And all the children were very happy. Then my mother took in her hands the apple that I had bitten off and said:

- Lelya and Minka, come here. Which of you two took a bite of this apple?

Lelya said:

– This is Minka’s work.

I pulled Lelya’s pigtail and said:

“Lyolka taught me this.”

Mom says:

“I’ll put Lyolya in the corner with her nose, and I wanted to give you a wind-up little train.” But now I will give this winding little train to the boy to whom I wanted to give the bitten apple.

And she took the train and gave it to one four-year-old boy. And he immediately began to play with him.

And I got angry at this boy and hit him on the hand with a toy. And he roared so desperately that his own mother took him in her arms and said:

- From now on, I will not come to visit you with my boy.

And I said:

– You can leave, and then the train will remain for me.

And that mother was surprised at my words and said:

- Your boy will probably be a robber.

And then my mother took me in her arms and said to that mother:

“Don’t you dare talk about my boy like that.” Better leave with your scrofulous child and never come to us again.

And that mother said:

- I will do so. Hanging around with you is like sitting in nettles.

And then another, third mother, said:

- And I will leave too. My girl didn't deserve to be given a doll with a broken arm.

And my sister Lelya screamed:

“You can also leave with your scrofulous child.” And then the doll with the broken arm will be left to me.

And then I, sitting in my mother’s arms, shouted:

- In general, you can all leave, and then all the toys will remain for us.

And then all the guests began to leave.

And our mother was surprised that we were left alone.

But suddenly our dad entered the room.

He said:

“This kind of upbringing is ruining my children.” I don't want them to fight, quarrel and kick guests out. It will be difficult for them to live in the world, and they will die alone.

And dad went to the tree and put out all the candles. Then he said:

- Go to bed immediately. And tomorrow I will give all the toys to the guests.

And now, guys, thirty-five years have passed since then, and I still remember this tree well.

And in all these thirty-five years, I, children, have never again eaten someone else’s apple and never once hit someone who is weaker than me. And now the doctors say that this is why I am so relatively cheerful and good-natured.

Do not lie

I studied for a very long time. There were still gymnasiums back then. And teachers then put marks in the diary for each lesson asked. They gave any score - from five to one inclusive.

And I was very small when I entered the gymnasium, the preparatory class. I was only seven years old.

And I still didn’t know anything about what happens in gymnasiums. And for the first three months I literally walked around in a fog.

And then one day the teacher told us to memorize a poem:

The moon shines merrily over the village,
White snow sparkles with blue light...

But I didn’t memorize this poem. I didn't hear what the teacher said. I didn’t hear because the boys who were sitting behind either slapped me on the back of the head with a book, or smeared ink on my ear, or pulled my hair, and when I jumped up in surprise, they placed a pencil or insert under me. And for this reason, I sat in class, frightened and even stunned, and all the time I listened to what else the boys sitting behind me were planning against me.

And the next day, as luck would have it, the teacher called me and ordered me to recite the assigned poem by heart.

And I not only didn’t know him, but I didn’t even suspect that there were such poems in the world. But out of timidity, I did not dare to tell the teacher that I did not know these verses. And completely stunned, he stood at his desk, not saying a word.

But then the boys began to suggest these poems to me. And thanks to this, I began to babble what they whispered to me.

And at this time I had a chronic runny nose, and I couldn’t hear well in one ear and therefore had difficulty understanding what they were telling me.

I somehow managed to pronounce the first lines. But when it came to the phrase: “The cross under the clouds burns like a candle,” I said: “The crackling under the clouds hurts like a candle.”

Here there was laughter among the students. And the teacher laughed too. He said:

- Come on, give me your diary here! I'll put a unit there for you.

And I cried, because it was my first unit and I didn’t yet know what happened.

After classes, my sister Lelya came to pick me up to go home together.

On the way, I took the diary out of my backpack, unfolded it to the page where the unit was written, and said to Lelya:

- Lelya, look, what is this? The teacher gave me this for the poem “The moon shines merrily over the village.”

Lelya looked and laughed. She said:

- Minka, this is bad! It was your teacher who gave you a bad grade in Russian. This is so bad that I doubt that dad will give you a photographic device for your name day, which will be in two weeks.

I said:

- What should we do?

Lelya said:

– One of our students took and glued two pages in her diary, where she had a unit. Her dad drooled on his fingers, but couldn’t peel it off and never saw what was there.

I said:

- Lyolya, it’s not good to deceive your parents!

Lelya laughed and went home. And in a sad mood I went into the city garden, sat down on a bench there and, unfolding the diary, looked with horror at the unit.

I sat in the garden for a long time. Then I went home. But when I approached the house, I suddenly remembered that I had left my diary on a bench in the garden. I ran back. But in the garden on the bench there was no longer my diary. At first I was scared, and then I was glad that now I no longer have the diary with this terrible unit with me.

I came home and told my father that I had lost my diary. And Lelya laughed and winked at me when she heard these words of mine.

The next day, the teacher, having learned that I had lost the diary, gave me a new one.

I opened this new diary with the hope that this time there was nothing bad there, but there again there was a one against the Russian language, even more bold than before.

And then I felt so frustrated and so angry that I threw this diary behind the bookcase that stood in our classroom.

Two days later, the teacher, having learned that I did not have this diary, filled out a new one. And, in addition to a one in the Russian language, he gave me a two in behavior. And he told my father to definitely look at my diary.

When I met Lelya after class, she told me:

– It won’t be a lie if we temporarily seal the page. And a week after your name day, when you receive the camera, we will peel it off and show dad what was there.

I really wanted to get a photographic camera, and Lelya and I taped up the corners of the ill-fated page of the diary.

In the evening dad said:

- Come on, show me your diary! Interesting to know if you picked up any units?

Dad began to look at the diary, but did not see anything bad there, because the page was taped over.

And when dad was looking at my diary, suddenly someone rang on the stairs.

Some woman came and said:

– The other day I was walking in the city garden and there on a bench I found a diary. I recognized the address from his last name and brought it to you so that you could tell me if your son had lost this diary.

Dad looked at the diary and, seeing one there, understood everything.

He didn't yell at me. He just said quietly:

– People who lie and deceive are funny and comical, because sooner or later their lies will always be revealed. And there was never a case in the world where any of the lies remained unknown.

I, red as a lobster, stood in front of dad, and I was ashamed of his quiet words.

I said:

- Here's what: I threw another one of my, the third, diary with a unit behind a bookcase at school.

Instead of getting even more angry with me, dad smiled and beamed. He grabbed me in his arms and started kissing me.

He said:

“The fact that you admitted this made me extremely happy.” You confessed something that could have remained unknown for a long time. And this gives me hope that you won’t lie anymore. And for this I will give you a camera.

When Lyolya heard these words, she thought that dad had gone crazy in his mind and now gives everyone gifts not for A's, but for un's.

And then Lelya came up to dad and said:

“Daddy, I also got a bad grade in physics today because I didn’t learn my lesson.”

But Lelya’s expectations were not met. Dad got angry with her, kicked her out of his room and told her to sit down with her books immediately.

And then in the evening, when we were going to bed, the bell suddenly rang.

It was my teacher who came to dad. And he said to him:

– Today we were cleaning our classroom, and behind the bookcase we found your son’s diary. How do you like this little liar and deceiver who left his diary so that you would not see him?

Dad said:

– I have already personally heard about this diary from my son. He himself admitted this act to me. So there is no reason to think that my son is an incorrigible liar and deceiver.

The teacher told dad:

- Oh, that's how it is. You already know this. In this case, it is a misunderstanding. Sorry. Good night.

And I, lying in my bed, hearing these words, cried bitterly. And he promised himself to always tell the truth.

And this is indeed what I always do now.

Ah, sometimes it can be very difficult, but my heart is cheerful and calm.

Attention! This is an introductory fragment of the book.

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